Bullying or simply being playful - Trouble with "The Line"



Emoticons can help convey mood when communicating online
But it's all-too easy for armchair warriors to give out bad vibes
from the safety of their bedroom, that they would dream of giving face to face



Since discovering the horrific impact of bullying upon people’s lives, I have become determined never to bully anyone again. I didn’t even realise I was bullying people, but reading through the list of behaviours that others may consider bullying, I’ve come to realise that unwittingly, I have been contributing to the problem.

But now I’m just plain confused. I second-guess every single word; every action. I don’t know where the line is anymore. What’s playful and what’s hurtful? People laugh when they’re being hurt, as a defence mechanism. We all know that the easiest way to draw the taunts of name callers is to show unhappiness at their words – reacting is like the beep of a metal detector telling them when they are getting closer to our vulnerabilities.

On the other hand, my friends and I often putting out low-level, peurile teasing of each other. Playing cards, computer games, soccer, or doing karate we are constantly taunting and ripping on each other, and we all take it in the spirit in which it is meant – or do we? I don’t know. My compass is spinning wildly now, and I’m not sure where the line is now.

I think of one friend and training buddy: we were both digging at each other, but nothing with any side at all. And I came up with a totally ludicrous insult; deliberately chosen because it had no possibility of relating to anything about her. I told her that she smelled of cabbage. And she laughed, and over the next few weeks, we continued our relationship as normal, with her giving out the jibes as often as she took them. I continued the cabbage joke, and I thought it was like our little pet thing, then she suddenly says all serious, “Stop, you’re making me paranoid now.” Of course, I stopped immediately, but it got me worrying that none of our jibes were really safe.

I guess amongst friends, maybe we can risk things that we would never throw out to people not in our inner circle, simply because they know our intent, and because they are tolerant of our apologies if we go too far, whereas we may not have that opportunity to clarify or apologise with mere acquaintances.

And the Internet is only making it worse. Online, unless people specifically add emoticons for clarification, (and many don’t bother) communication is devoid of the normal cues that we have to each other’s mood, and intent. “You suck” and “You suck J” may look almost identical, but they may carry a world of different intent.

I’m coming to learn that in action and deed, I’m going to need to be a lot more careful about what I do. Sometimes, I have a dryish, intellectual sense of humour that verges on acerbic. I know that that is very easy to misinterpret negatively, even though in fact, I’m not a person holds much negative emotion towards anyone, and I try to be easy-going and tolerant of other lifestyle choices, be it in dress, speech, sexuality, or whatever. When it comes to religion and politics, perhaps I’m less easy going, but then those matters rarely arise.

I would say that I am a people person, and my gregarious nature often leads me to be more familiar with people than they may feel towards me. So again, now I feel the need to tread softly with people that don’t really know me.

One person's roughhousing is another's bullying. It's all

about the participants' relationship and the mood of the moment

In the training hall, I love to roughhouse sometimes, but I’ve realised that sometimes, even though full-grown men may initiate a bout of horseplay, that their threshold can be reached suddenly, without build up, and sometimes they can take away bad feelings if I am not sensitive to their changing moods.

I think that it comes down to two things: respect and sensitivity. By extending respect to everybody, I don’t place my gratification above their feelings, and by being sensitive, hopefully I can gauge their changing moods. I don’t think that means never being playful with my friends, but increasingly I do think that means I need to err on the side of caution.